Firewater

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Walking into Firewater late Saturday night, I stumbled on what many would call a strange scene. Half the bar was singing along to “Hold On Loosely” by .38 special. There was a lot of air guitar going on. Maybe too much. But this is what happens here. This is where the unruly reign as mortal gods with fearless passion.

Empty pitchers hung over the bar like ornaments with bottles of booze outlining it. I approached the divetender, Select, and ordered a $9 pitcher of Bud Heavy. Not too long after, Select was telling me tales of sexual debauchery occurring here. I won’t go into all the explicit details, but I will say there was mention of a suckjay train going on out back.

 After a few beers, I stumbled toward the bathroom with draining in mind until I was shoved aside. Glancing over, a staggering bearded drunk and an older woman hopped into the bathroom and the deadlock slid shut. Only two things were happening in there. And by the looks of it, possibly both.

In my opinion, Firewater is the divest bar around. The only thing more filthy than the bar is the drunkards that frequent there. Which is why I love it. A great place to go for the Monday through Friday Happy Hour from 3-8pm. The drafts are only a $1.25 and well drinks are $3.

The bar has two dartboards, ring toss and two pool tables with the well known “Firewater curve.”

 Beer Prices

Domestic Draft- $1.75

Draft pitchers- $9

18oz draft- $3

Domestic bottle- $3

7oz Bud Light- $1.75

Well drinks- $3.50

The bathrooms here are grotesque and usually filled with vomit. And I can’t lie, I have contributed to the mess in there on several occasions.

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I recommend getting bottles unless you enjoy dirty mugs like myself. I’ll take five…

5 out of 5 dirty mugs.

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The Cabin Sports Bar

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The Cabin is a hideaway bar just north of Hillsboro Blvd. on Federal Hwy. Its been open for a decade and three years at its current location. With New England sports and Nascar signage littered throughout, this bar offers a reasonable rate for beer and has specials everyday of the week.

Specials

  • Monday- “Bud Night” $2.25 bottles, free pool

  • Tuesday- $3 Jager shots

  • Wednesday- “Miller Night” $2.25 bottles

  • Thursday- “Shot Night” $3.50 shots, $3.50 call (any well liquor, beer) $5 top shelf booze

  • Friday- $4 Jack Daniel’s shot

  • Saturday- “Ladies Night” 8-10pm

  • Sunday- “Fireball”/ Nascar $10 buckets of Coors Lite, Budweiser and Miller Light, $3 fireball shots

There was a lot more people than I’m accustomed to seeing there, but it was Friday at midnight. While I sat at the at the bar enjoying the cheap cool taste of a Pabst Blue Ribbon, I noticed the pool table seemed to be reserved for the next twelve games. So I reverted my attention back to the Warriors/ Nuggets game and realized that this is an ideal place to watch any type of sporting event. Thus, the name, Cabin Sports Bar.

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The draft beer is relatively cheap just like any mainstream sports bar. And you have the added benefit of smoking, pool and typical dive banter. Its more like a hybrid between a dive and a sports lounge. There are plenty of flat screens and a full 360 bar, plus a Golden Tee arcade game. Every other Saturday there is a live band to break the monotony of recurring Touch Tunes songs.

Here’s the toilet situation just like every other post. Impeccably clean.

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001-Lady Toilet

When I asked Chris, the bartender, for the best time to come here, he quickly responded “All the time.”

4 out of 5 dirty mugs…

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Last Resort

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The Last Resort is yet another fine dive establishment.  Located at 3205 south Federal Hwy in Delray Beach just north of Lindell Blvd. on the east side in the Pelican Harbor Shoppes.  It’s been open for nearly two decades and has been at its current location for the last six years.  The husband and wife that run the bar have been described as “on-hand” owners by the employees.  Only five people work at the Last Resort including the owners.

“We’re almost like a family, we take care of each other,” said Jen, whom has worked for the Resort for 14 years.

This place is the product of a dive bar engaging in coitus with a pool hall.  It’s large enough to fit eight pool tables with ample room to loiter and flee from unwanted banter.  Four tables are regulation size and can be “rented” for $6 an hour.  The other four are typical dive tables which run a cheap $.75 a game.  In addition to only one dartboard, the Last Resort possesses a vital asset… Galaga!  In the back of the bar, the $.25 a play arcade machine is the main attraction in my opinion.

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On Mondays there is a “Bottoms Up” trivia game. The winner receives an astounding $7 bar tab! Might make it worthwhile if you have nothing to do Monday night.

Happy Hour is seven days a week from 3-7pm., the best deal being a 20oz mug for $1.85. If you find yourself there after hours, then I would suggest indulging in the $5.85 pitcher of Budweiser. The bar allows smoking and encourages its patrons to bring in food. There is a menu board at the entrance for suggested delivery/pick-up. Regulars are even permitted to bring in their own CD if the old fashion jukebox doesn’t have your type of tunage. As long as its not rap or country…

Like most other dives, the Last Resort is dimly lit except where the pool tables are. But unlike most dives, there doesn’t seem to be much disorderly altercations.

“I’m really good at catching a yellow fly before it turns red,” informs divetender Pam.

The bar is open everyday from 3pm-2am and the two communal (male/female) toilets are exceptionally clean by any standards.

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But among the arcade games, the cheap pool and drinks, there is always one constant that most dive regulars gravitate toward…

“If I’m buying a beer, I don’t like the fact that I have to go outside and smoke a cig like some kind of pariah of society,” announces Last Resort patron, Blake, as he enjoys his freshly lit smoke.
The highlight of the night for me was being slapped in the ass by some short haired, polo collar-popped woman as she slurred something about music. Perplexed confusion surrounded me like bloodthirsty wolves. All I could do was gesture toward my black Led Zeppelin shirt and exclaim “Hell ya babe!” An extra dirty mug just for that.

4 out of 5 dirty mugs. Enjoy…

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Smuggler’s Bay

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Smuggler’s Bay is a seedy joint located on the southeast corner of Hillsboro Blvd. and Military Trail directly behind the Chevron in Deerfield Beach.  It also is one of the better dive names in my opinion.

It’s a large space unlike most dives which are usually small and cramped, giving ample room for the suited bald gentleman to dance and play air piano.  There weren’t too many people at the full 360 bar when I went over there on Saturday night around 11p.m.  Maybe maintaining five to six depressed individuals with fist under chin.

The blonde fifty-something year old bar maid (describes 95% of divetenders) was congenial enough while she took control of the music selection.

Smuggler’s Bay which has been open for nearly 28 years was recently purchased by new owner, Bill, in December.  I’ve only been here once before and that was under the new ownership.  It didn’t seem like there was much restructuring.

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The bar consists of: three evenly spaced pool tables and dartboards, one electronic dartboard and seven television sets. Wednesday is free pool.  The bar closes at 2a.m. except on Saturday (3am).  Not particularly ideal for watching a game. Quite perfect for drinking though…

With a Happy Hour that runs Monday through Friday (4-8pm), Smuggler’s Bay is one of the cheaper dive bars I’ve been to.

Draft

  • Bud Heavy/Light, Miller Light, Yuengling- $2.25/$2(Hpy Hr.)
  • $9 pitchers anytime

Sunday Bucket Special

  • Domestic- $12
  • Michelob- $13
  • Import- $15

No craft on draft here people!

Now the most surprising aspect over here was the food because the kitchen seems like its never used.  Completely unaware that it even offered food, I was initially confused and when I realized that there was no service after six in the p.m., I became enraged.  (Drinking on an empty stomach is only a good idea when you’re broke and want to get drunk on a few beers.)  Other than the kitchen being visible throughout the bar, there are no indicative signs suggesting that food is served here.  But for most dives, you’ll usually have to figure out most stuff for yourself.  Obviously some intense reporting going on over here…

Food

  • ½ lb. burger/cheese- $2.50/$3
  • Hotdogs- $1
  • (With purchase of two alcoholic beverages)

The toilet situation is nothing new.  Generally clean by dive standards.

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While I feel most dive regulars drink beer, Sherie the barkeep informs me that “liquor is the deal here and Friday night is the best time to come here.”

4½ out of 5 dirty mugs.  Enjoy…

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Dives vs. Sports Bars

To examine this ancient battle, one must familiarize themselves with both types of bars.  Typical sports bars include (St)Ale House, Duffy’s and Bru’s Room amongst others.  There are certain categories/aspects that should be inspected when analyzing this quandary. (Keep in mind that these bars are based in south Florida.)

This is the criteria:

  • Food:  Sports bars will usually get the edge on this one. While many backdoor bars offer great bar food, mainstream sports bars have a set menu and procedure along with an extensive menu.  Dive bars can’t satisfy a family outing for dinner.  At least not until a children’s menu is incorporated.
  • Smoking: This is an easy one… Dive bars.
  • Price: This one is kind of a toss-up.  A lot of dives fluctuate in price, as opposed to sports bars with a predetermined price.  Depending on how often you frequent your local dive, most people would prefer to know how much money they will be spending.  Flip a coin for it…
  • Patronage: This is another category you’ll have to choose for yourself.  If you find unscrupulous folk enjoyable, you may prefer a dive.  But if you like to have an educated conversation about whatever sport/game, a sports bar probably would be for you.
  • Watching sporting event: Assuming it’s not soccer or some other peculiar sport, a conventional sports bar is ideal.  You’ll most likely want to eat and if you’re going with a horde of people, you may want to all sit at a table or high top.  There is always a plethora of flat screens which makes it challenging to miss a play.
  • Picking up pretty ladies:  Best bet may be dive bars strange enough.  Dives are usually a lot smaller which makes it difficult for them to flee. If you can find a single woman at a dive, my suggestion would be to approach her. She’s most likely looking to get in on whatever you’re thinking. But this is a dive bar blog not an instructive dating service. Unless you are like myself (extremely handsome) and posses the capability to sweet talk young ladies with ample breasts and short shorts that work at sports bars.
  • Bathroom: Another easy one here. The toilet room at sports bars are cleaned regularly. There’s not too many employees at a typical dive. As I’m typing, I’m wondering who the hell does clean those bathrooms. If they ever are scrubbed. The cleansing probably consists of a filthy towel wipe-down and two sprays of some weird “meadows and rain” air-freshener.
  • Entertainment: As stated above, if you’re watching a game, then go to the sports bar. If you want to play pool, darts or listen to live music, then you probably want to hit up your local dicey dive hole.

That’s the breakdown of any type of bar. If you ever happen to encounter this problematic decision, here’s your checklist. Enjoy…

And always remember, this is the person you may be taking advice from…

trident-002.jpgYes, you are correct. That is indeed a trident.